Yo Ho
by sneezingapple
Summary: Has been described as PotC on crack. very accurate. a bit nuts not that great, but hey. made me laugh...... READ IT!
1. Family Reunion

I was just walking along the port of Tortuga, minding my own business when a rather large ship docked. It had black sails and a crazy drunken captain. A lot of the crew disembarked to find themselves some prostitutes while others stole the rest of the rum.

The captain, I noticed, walked off the gangway and stumbled straight into the local pub. I had not noticed this pub before, because I was on the run. I was bored so I decided to follow him. I went over to his table in the corner and said "Hi".

"Helyoo" he said, "Yime Dack!"

He was obviously terribly drunk so I guided him back to his ship. Trouble was, he didn't want me to leave.

"NO!" he said, "You've done soooooo mooch! I moost let choo stah!"

I tried to leave but then he offered me some rum. How could I resist?

The next day I woke up with the crazy sailor dude looking down on me.

"Hello, love," he said, "Some night we had last night, huh?"

"WHAT?!?!?!?!" I shouted and I bolted upright to check how many items of clothing I was wearing. I was relieved to find that all were remaining but had rum stains down the front.

"No, not like that," he said, "I'm not a pervert..."

I smiled confusedly. I was confused.

"Hi, I'm Jack," he said, "Captain Jack Sparrow, and YOU are trespassing on my ship."

I stood up to stare him straight in the eye. I was too short so I resulted in staring at his beard.

"Listen you," I said, "You wouldn't let me leave this ship last night."

The crew went silent.

"And you are a pervert!" I added.

The first mate's eyes widened.

"We don't..." gulped the first mate, "like perverts on our ship, Jack."

"I'M NOT A GOD-DAMN PERVERT GIBBSY!" he shouted.

"Gibbsy? That sound perverted to me, Jack." he turned around, "what do you think lads?"

"YEAH!" shouted the rest of the crew, "MU-TI-NY! MU-TI-NY! MU-TI-NY!"

Jack turned towards me and gave me an evil glare.

"Thanks a bunch, kid." he snarled

"The name's Laura, K?" I said, "And you're very welcome."

30 seconds passed and we came across a rather handily placed desert island.

"Walk the plank, Jack." said the first mate.

Jack reluctantly took his own pistol with one shot and dragged his feet along the plank. And jumped. The crew cheered and stopped to watch him climb ashore. I cheered, alone.

"Right you're next!" said the first mate.

"ME? WHY ME?" I protested.

"Coz you're the only female aboard. It's bad luck, and some lads are..." he stopped in his tracks, "Just jump."

So I did. Well, dived actually - because I got the dolphin bronze swimming certificate when I was 4. When I dived, I jumped very high and nosedived straight into the plank and then slumped off into the water. It was probably from lack of practice. It was very difficult trying to get back to shore but I made it and was reunited with Jack.

"What are you doing here?" he said.

"I was mutinated as well." I grinned.

He watched his ship sail off into the distance. It was really boring.

"I've never been here before, where are we?" he said after several hours.

"Well, the sea is that way, and the trees are that way, so by process of elimination, I can safely say that we are on a beach." I replied.

He wasn't very happy with this answer. I could tell this because he shot me in the leg and walked off. After walking around the island three times, he got bored and tried to go through it. This would be difficult because there were a lot of trees.

I waited..

And waited...

And waited...

...until finally he came back with lots of scratches on his face. I found this amusing so he tried to shoot me in the other leg.

"Dammit! Only one shot!" he shouted.

I grinned and looked out to sea. I saw black sails on the horizon.

"LOOK!" I said, "BLACK SAILS!"

"The Pearl," he said.

"Nooooooo, sails."

"The ship is called the Pearl."

"But it's not a pearl."

"I didn't call it a pearl."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't - I said THE Pearl!"

"But you can only see black sails - how are you so sure?"

This argument went on until the ship arrived.

Jack swam towards it and I used 2 sea turtles as a raft as I could not swim with a bullet in my leg. I followed closely behind.

He clambered up the rope and I decided to use the steps like normal people.

"Is this," he declared, "or is this not the Black Pearl?"

The chorus replied "YEAH!"

"Told ya!" he sneered.

"You said _the_ Pearl. Not the Black Pearl." I queried.

Jack grabbed the pistol out of a crewman's trousers and shot my other leg.

The next thing, I was lying on the floor of Tortuga port with dirt stains on my shirt. (heh - that rhymes) I slowly sat upright to find that the bleeding on my legs had stopped - I felt nauseous so I lay unconscious on the floor for a while longer.

After regaining consciousness, I slowly sat up and looked around. It was around lunchtime because I was hungry and the sun was pretty high. I hobbled over to the pub and tried to look pathetic in the hope that someone would help me. In the hope that an elderly lady with a lot of time on her hands would feel awful and take me back to her mansion and feed me and cloth me and tend to my ever whim. But nobody did.

I waited for a while.

Then a couple of prostitutes staggered in my direction and stumbled over my feet. I cried in agony and then one looked down at me to see what all the fuss was about. I wish she hadn't.

"LAURA?!?!?!?" she screamed, "SO THIS IS WHERE YOU'VE BEEN HIDING!"

"M..m...m...mum?" I muttered.

"Ladies, I wish for you to leave," she addressed her prostitutional friends.

They ran away rather hurriedly muttering under their breath about how "dead" I was.

"I didn't mean to run away," I protested, "You forced me into it, with your night job."

"It puts food on the table doesn't it?" she said.

"Yours, maybe. Not mine!" I said.

Just then, Jack came over and tapped my mum on the back.

"Scarlet!" he said, "Lovely to see you!"

Mum glared at him and slapped him across the face.

"Your fault!" she said.

"What?" said Jack.

"Her!" she said.

"When?" he said.

"That night you didn't pay me enough! She's yours now!" she said and she stormed off.

This was an awkward situation. There was only one thing to say at a time like this.

"So you're my dad. Didn't see that one coming did you?"


	2. The Dutchman

So, after the usual acquaintances that a daughter gives her new found father and vice versa, it was time to climb aboard the Black Pearl to sail the world. We drank a bit in the pub so that dad could get over the shock first. Then we staggered over to the port where the Pearl was docked.

"What do you like doing then?" Jack asked. 

"Running away from my mother," I said, "I've done very little else." 

Suddenly, my stalker, Ben, ran over to me. He was about 8 years old and terribly annoying. I met him running away from my mother when I was hiding behind a beer barrel and he was there before me. I had to promise to marry him so he wouldn't shout and give my hiding place away. 

"LAURA!" he shouted, "I LOVE YOU!" 

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" I said as I ran up the gangway (limping still). The big scary black ship did not deter Ben as he followed me. I hid behind a cannon on deck. Ben waddled on deck and shouted for me. He called for me and looked. I would not move. Mr Gibbs walked past me. 

"What are you doing down there, Laura?" he said loudly. 

"Dammit," I muttered as Ben ran over with his arms flailing. 

"Why do you run away from me?" he asked with his damned puppy-dog eyes. 

"You want to marry me." I said. 

Jack stumbled aboard. 

"RUM!!!" he shouted, and then collapsed. 

"I'll take that as 'we're leaving' then," said Gibbs to Jack. 

Mr Gibbs took charge and started ordering people to do the usual stuff before setting sail. 

"WAIT!" I cried, "YOU HAVE TO THROW HIM OFF FIRST!" 

"Who?" said Mr Gibbs, "Jack? We can't do that! He's the captain!"

"I thought you mutinied him because he's a pervert," I asked.

"He has the keys to the rum cellar," replied Gibbs gravely.

A disturbed silence swept over us.

"Well, anywho. You have to throw Ben off before we go," I pleaded. 

Mr Gibbs looked at the Ben as he caressed my knee, smiled and then walked off in an I-don't like-you-so-I'm-going-to-make-your-life-hell type way.

Three days passed in the big blue ocean with not a scrap of land to be found. It was only on the second day that we found out that Ben was sea-sick. However, this did not deter him from staying – partly for the fact that there was nowhere to go in the middle of the ocean.  
As the sun set on the third day, I noticed that there was some sort of whirlpool forming in the water. It turned the water white and it bubbled and spat. Suddenly a big ship emerged from it. 

"COOL!" I said. 

It was the Flying Dutchman. I could tell by the painted plaque on the side. The captain stood tall on the top deck. The ship drew closer until we were side by side. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" screamed Ben as he jumped onto the Flying

Dutchman, "IT'S THE FLYING DUTCHMAN! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" 

"Actually," said the captain, "That's why were here." 

"Huh?" I said. 

"Anybody planning on dying a horrible painful death soon?" asked the captain. 

"Who are you?" I said. 

"Davy Jones," he said, "And who be you?" 

I scrambled onto the Flying Dutchman through a sophisticated maze of rope-ladders, gangplanks and octopi. 

"I'm Laura! Jack Sparrow's daughter." I said proudly, although I don't know why. 

"Sparrow, eh?" he said, "That means that if Jack doesn't settle his debt, YOU WILL PAY!" 

I was a teensey bit scared about that so I replied, "Did I say Sparrow? I meant Harrow."  
Somehow I got the impression that Davy Jones wasn't too impressed. 

"If Jack doesn't settle his debt, you can take Ben," I said, "In fact, just take him anyway." 

Davy looked at me and his tentacles twitched. He seemed distressed. 

"I don't like women," he said after a rather long pause, "That's why I have this chest." 

He took out a wooden carved chest from... somewhere. 

"This was where I kept my heart," he said, "Away from anybody so I could never love again." 

"Aww, that's nice," I said. 

"That," he said, "Is why I don't like women." 

I looked around looking for a distraction. Luckily, Jack wandered on board. 

"Yo Davy!" he said, "I was gonna give you my soul, but you know how things are. With all sailing and new found daughter, I just didn't get round to it." 

"But you are here now," said Davy Jones, "You will never leave!" 

Suddenly, Davy Jones' crew swarmed on Jack and dragged him down below deck. 

"What'd he do?" I asked. 

"He owes me his soul," said Davy, "Now that's the end of it. Go!" 

"But I don't want to!" I complained. 

"I'm taking Ben," said Davy. 

"Bye!" I said as I jumped onto the Black Pearl, "I'm captain of this ship now!" 

Davy smiled. I saluted him and he waved his tentacles back. 

"Now," I commanded, "Bring me that horizon, dum dum dum..." and I hummed the Pirate song.

The Flying Dutchman sank back to the depths of the ocean. Davy Jones grabbed the struggling Ben and watched me and he descended. 

"Nice man," I said, "Err, squid ...or...whatever he was." 

I walked up the stairs to the top deck. 

"Now where do you want to go?" I asked. 

"Who put you in charge?" shouted Mr Gibbs. 

"I'm next of kin," I said, "'S only right." 

"But I'm the first mate," protested Mr Gibbs. 

This was undeniably true. 

"So?" I said. 

"I'm next in line!" he said. 

"Let's vote," I said in a Captain-ey way, "Raise your hand if you want Mr Gibbs to be your next captain. Mr Gibbs may not vote." 

3 hands went up. 

"So by process of elimination, 3 hands to you mean that I am the next captain," I said. 

"Hold on!" cried Mr Gibbs hesitantly, "Hands up all who want Laura to be the next captain." 

No hands went up. 

"DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" I said shaking my fist at them. 

There was a long disturbed silence. 

"Look!" said a random crew member, "A boy, there's a boy in the water!" 

"That sounds too familiar…" said Mr Gibbs. 

Some other random crew member leaned on the ropes and looked at the sea and saw Ben struggling to breathe. 

"Man overboard!" shouted the other random crew member. 

Mr Gibbs shuddered, "All over again," he said. 

"Let him drown!" I ordered.


	3. A Detour

Ben was left to drown because at that moment in time, the crew were confused about who was in charge.

Gibbs was made captain 5 minutes later, and it was agreed that I had to leave the ship. We had kinda gone off course from when I was captain and all that could be made out was that we were in Europe.

"We'll drop you off at the nearest country," said Mr Gibbs below deck as he examined the captains share of the rum, "We won't leave you stranded, don't worry."

"What if I don't know the language?" I said.

"You're young," he said, "You'll pick it up."

And with that, he stood up with three bottles of rum and headed for his cabin.

Several weeks of hard labour later, we saw land. We found out that it was Germany.

"YEY!" cried Mr Gibbs, "GOOD BEER!!"

"I used to live in Germany," I said to anyone who cared to listen (in other words, nobody), "Until I realised that they laws on the types of things I liked to do."

But everybody was so wrapped up in how good the beer would be to be scared of me.

When we docked at Germany, everyone headed for the nearest pub.

"How did we reach Germany without running into England, Scotland, Ireland, France, Spain, Portugal, Belgium, Denmark or Holland?" I asked Mr Gibbs.

"Some things are stranger than fiction," he said, "Like you for example."

Then he ran into the pub, nearly tripping over a blind person with no legs sitting outside. I walked up to the poor creature.

"What's your name?" I asked trying to be sociable.

"Lucy," it said in a manly voice.

I decided to ignore her/him/it from now on. I went inside the pub to see if anybody was drunk yet. I walked through the door and saw riots. I sat down at a table and put my head in my hands.

"Can I help you?" asked the waitress.

I looked up.

"Hans?" I said, "Is that you?"

"LAURA?" he said, "LAURA WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?"

I stood up and hugged him and we exchanged the normal converses you give to a long lost friend.

I met Hans when he fell asleep in a beer barrel which was shipped over to Tortuga. Several barrels were left outside a beer house for a while and I stole the one that Hans was in. We were friends ever since.

"Laura it's great to see you," he said, "Err, but it's Hannah now."

"WHAT?!?!?!?!" I shouted, "YOU'RE A GIRL NOW!?!?!?"

The whole pub went quiet. They were staring at us as if were crazy (stupid drunks).

"What're you looking at?" I said.

They turned back to their beers, and whatnot.

"I'm rather sensitive about the subject," said Hannah.

"You're not a unic are you?" I asked.

"No," said Hannah, "I just felt that I was a woman's soul inside a man's body."

"So that was why you were gay," I said.

It was a solemn moment. We were quiet and still with our heads down. A few Beerkrügers flew past and hit the wall behind us but we were silent in our own thoughts.

"It's not as if I declined your offer of marriage," said Hannah.

"But you didn't say yes," I said.

"It was because that before you left," said Hannah, "I had already made an appointment for the operation."

Another solemn moment passed.

"Oh well," I said, "Water under the bridge. What is there to do around here?"

Three days passed in Hannah's residence and I was bored.

"I need to go back to the sea," I said whilst Hannah was making the dinner.

"I got a couple of friends who have boats," said Hannah, "They could give you a good deal, you could become part of their crew, or they can take you to where you want to go."

I thought.

"I could always commandeer their ship," I said.

"Comman- what?" said Hannah.

"Best not tell you," I said, "Thanks for the heads up."

So the next day I headed out for the port to meet up with Chris Smith, a local fisherman and a friend of Hannah's. I walked around the boat casually looking at means in which to commandeer it.

"I can offer it you very cheaply," he said, "What do you think?"

"It's perfect," I said, "I'll take it."

"OK," he said, "Now if you'll just follow me into the fishing hut we can sort out the arrangements."

I pretended to follow him for about 6 feet, then I quietly turned back on myself, untied the rope as quickly as possible and hopped on boat.

It was only when Chris walked into the fishing hut that he realised I wasn't there. But by that time, I was way out of port, waving back to him.

"Tschuess!" I shouted back and I made my way back towards the Caribbean. It was going to be a long trip.

One week passed and I was absolutely starving. I tried fishing without success. It was very hard without a net or line.

"Oh I wish I had something to eat," I said to myself, "I'd give anything for something to eat!"

Just then, bubbles started to form a large ring in the water. The sea went white and choppy and the Flying Dutchman appeared.

"DAVY JONES!" I cried.

"You rang?" he said, "You'd give anything you say?"


	4. Davy again

"I would give anything for some food," I said.

"Anything?" said Davy with a glint in his eye.

"What?" I said still trying to get over the shock of him appearing out of nowhere.

"If you're willing to join my crew for 100 years of loyal service, you will never go hungry again," said Davy, "Think about it."

Three nanoseconds passed.

"OK!" I said.

At that moment, Jack stumbled on deck. He had a sea cucumber trying to breed with his left ear.

"Don't do it!" he shouted, "You don't eat, they torture you and it's full-on heavy labour!"

"Meh," I said as I jumped aboard, "What's the worse it can do?"

Jack looked me dead in the eye, "There's no rum!" he said darkly, "I'M DYING INSIDE!"

I looked at Davy who was giving a look that meant "Well?"

"What job do I get cap'n?" I asked.

"Good girl," he said, "I've had my eye on you. I have a special job for you."

I was kinda worried but then I realised that there wasn't a job that I've had that I didn't like so far. But then I realised that I've never had a job before.

"Follow me," said Davy as he limped into his cabin, "The rest of you, back to... whatever it was you were doing."

I followed Davy and I heard Jack as he was descending below deck wailing about rum and something to do with smelly eggs.

"What's my job?" I asked.

"You're a very clever lady," he said, "I've always thought that?"

"Who you calling 'lady'?" I demanded.

He laughed and lit his pipe. He took a few puffs and then looked at me. The smoke billowed around him and he turned and headed for a stool at the other end of the room. He sat down and faced a huge organ. He invited me to come closer with his smoking tentacles. I gingerly walked forward.

"I have a job for you which involves knowing a lot about people and, more importantly, about me." he said after a while.

I perched on a nearby table and looked around the room and at the awesome instrument that filled the room. I tried to look interested in his choice of conversation (that I had brought up but was getting bored of) but it was difficult.

"Have you heard the story of my heart?" he asked.

I reluctantly said "No," because I knew the answer would be a long and boring one. It was.

He told me about his love in minutely boring detail, then of chest and the key and then how Jack stole it, turned out not to have it, and how he was now under siege of the East India Trading company.

"So what do you want me to do about it?" I asked.

"I want you to help me," he said "to be able to feel emotions and to_ live_ without a heart."

"That's a tough one," I said, "I mean, really difficult. I'm short. Are you sure I'm up for it?"

He stood up suddenly and gripped my arms with his claws. I stood back scared.

"If anyone can do it, it's you," he said, "I believe in you."

A moment passed and he loosened his grip and sat back on his stool. He took a few puffs of his pipe. I blinked and perched back on the table. Another moment passed. He tested a few of the notes on the organ. A longer, more-awkward moment passed.

"Well?" he said impatiently.

"Well, what?" I said.

"Are you going to accept the job?" he said.

"Yeah" I said, "I thought we'd already established that."

"WHAT?" he shouted.

"What?" I said, "You don't want me?"

I paused a while to think about how wrong that just sounded.

"For... the ... job," I added.

"Yes..." he said.

There was another annoying long and awkward silence.

"I'm going," I said to throw the metaphorical sledgehammer at the metaphorical ice. I headed for the door.

"Going where?" he said, "You're stuck here for 100 years!"

"Fresh air," I said as I walked out on deck.

I stood on the deck for a while. Davy limped out and hobbled up the stairs to the top deck.

"DOWN WE GO!" he commanded.

The crew on deck grinned and held onto the side rails. I did the same thinking something funny was about to happen and I had to brace myself. But then the ship started to dip and I got really scared. We descended to the depths.

"MOMMY!" I screamed, "HELP ME!"

Realising how stupid that comment was because:

1) my mother wasn't there and

2) even if she was, she'd be in the hammock with a member of the crew already (but not Jack, probably Bootstrap) and would not even contemplate coming near to me unless it was to hit me over the head with a plank of rather heavy wood.

So I screamed "DADDY! HELP ME!"

Realising that my father was for once in his life sober and therefore lifeless and limp, this cry for help was futile.

Realising this, I realised that there was nobody on this Earth who I could turn to so I cried "GOD! HELP ME!"

This didn't seem to work as we carried on descending to the depths. However, I could breathe and I realised that from then on I was undead. Cool, eh?


	5. First Lesson

We were sailing at the bottom of the sea for several days. It took me a while but I realised that I was seasick. Every day I would have to vomit for a couple of minutes but after that I was OK.

Jack staggered pale-faced on board. The sea cucumber had successfully bred with his left ear and had decided to merge with his head and make itself comfortable underneath his bandana.

"You look bad, Jack," I said, "You must really miss rum."

"I used to drink so much," he said, "that my body got used to it, and then, I began to depend on it."

He collapsed and lay face up on the deck with his sunken eyes closed and his tongue lolling. I took a deep breath and then realised that I was underwater. I had a mouthful of water and I gulped. I shuddered.

"That was gooooooood," I said after the taste had worn off and the drunkenness had kicked in, "Hey, Jack! You can get drunk off sea water!"

"No you can't," he said, "It kills you."

When he thought about where he was and what he had now become, he added "COOL!"

He stayed lying on the floor and took a mouthful of water and gulped. It took effect 3 seconds later when he spontaneously jumped a few feet in the air (I don't know how either) and then floated back on his back. He lay there with his eyes closed, happy in the knowledge that he was drunk.

"LAURA!" shouted not Jack.

"What?... What?" I stammered.

"Laura, in my cabin," said Davy Jones as he limped towards me, "I'm ready for my first lesson."

Jack opened his eyes wide in fear at how Davy said that phrase.

"Keep gulping, dad," I said and I followed Davy into his cabin.

"Dad?" I said to myself.

"No," said Davy, "I'm not your father, no matter how terrible that must be for you."

"No," I said, "I called Jack "Dad". It's sunk in."

"Well Jack is your father," Davy said.

"Yes but..." I stuttered, "He isn't exactly a father-like figure. Or maybe he is."

I pondered for a while, then shook it off. I didn't really care - I was just curious, that's all. I looked at Davy Jones. I was surprised to see him sitting at a desk. He had neatly folded his coat on the back of the chair he was sitting on and was now ordering his pens and pencils in order of importance. There was a free standing blackboard by the door and a packet of 8 white chalks and a packet of 12 coloured chalks.

"I wasn't really expecting all this," I said.

"I need to learn," replied Davy smiling, "I really need to learn. First lesson is...?"

"Err... first lesson is..." I hadn't prepared for this (or for anything really), "is... your brain."

I drew a diagram of a brain on the blackboard in pink chalk and labelled it "BRAIN" in blue chalk.

"If you didn't know," I said and laughed a little.

Davy accepted this pun but did not laugh or smile. I felt uncomfortable.

"Err, yes," I continued, "Well. First lesson is to learn that your brain controls your emotions, not your heart."

Davy put his hand up politely.

"Yes?" I asked darkly.

"But when I locked my heart away," he said, "I didn't feel love or emotional pain anymore."

"IT'S PSYCHOLOGICAL SQUID BRAIN!" I said angrily regretting it immediately.

Davy stood up and pushed his desk aside. He put his claw out to scare me (it worked).

"WHAT?" he bellowed.

"Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" I stuttered.

Mental not don't anger the captain, especially when he owns your soul for the next 100 years.

"I'm sorry." I said and smiled cheesily hoping for him to take pity.

Davy nodded and accepted my feeble apology and bent down to pick the desk up. He sat down in put the pens and pencils in size order.

"So," he said and he opened his notebook up at the first page, "My brain."

"That was a test," I lied, "to see if you could feel emotion. You felt anger."

Davy contemplated this and wrote something down in his notebook. He put his hand up.

"Yes," I said.

"Did I pass?" he asked.

"That depends," I said, "Are you satisfied that you don't need a heart to feel emotion?"

"No."

"Dammit."

"What?"

"Why aren't you satisfied that you don't need a heart to feel emotion?"

"What about love?"

"Err..." this was a hard question, "Do you love me?"

"No."

"Are you attracted to any of your crew?"

"No, I'm not gay."

"Have you ever loved anyone ever?"

"I answered that when I told you the story of my heart."

"Do you still feel for her?"

"I don't know."

"You still remember her though?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to see her?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because then I can kill the crazy bitch for breaking my heart."

"Surely you don't feel like that."

"I don't know what I feel anymore."

Davy lowered his head. If I wasn't in the room he probably would've cried, but he couldn't let his reputation as captain be tainted by him crying. I needed to hug him.

"You poor crazy twisted freak," I said soothingly, "Squid-brain needs a hug."

I walked over to him and stooped and put my arms around his shoulders, rested my head on his hat and patted him gently.

Davy began to cry. His shoulders jerked as he breathed in and out to catch breath between sobs. One tentacle reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. He used his hands to blow his nose and dry his eyes (which was a physical impossibility when you're a sea monster and you're underwater). He sat with his head down for a few more seconds then quickly lifted his head up. I stood up and walked back to the blackboard.

I opened my mouth to speak.

"If a word of this gets out I'll make you wish you had never been born," said Davy.

"Err. OK," I said.

He stared at me with his eyes like slits to which black holes stared at drawing me in.

"Now," he said cheerfully, "Lesson 2."

"Are you sure you think you have completed lesson 1?" I said, "Are you happy that your brain controls your emotions not your heart?"

"Where you watching me cry or are you blind?" said Davy harshly.

"Err, yeah. OK. Lesson 2," I continued, "Get over the damn woman!"

"You don't know who she is!" protested Davy.

"She's making your life a misery!" I shouted.

"Too loud, too loud," he hissed.

"She's making your life a misery," I whispered loudly, "Is she pretty?"

"Beautiful," he said, "To me."

"Fine," I said, "Scrap lesson 2. Lesson 2 sucks. On to lesson 3."

"What's lesson 3?" said Davy.

"Go out there and give those East India Trading company bullies what for!"

"Kay," he said drearily as he stood up with his head down and dragged his feet as he walked to the door.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I'm depressed."

"Why?"

"Because you brought back memories of her."

"But she was a bitch to you."

"But I loved her."

"Why?"

"Density, suppose."

"You mean destiny?"

"Whatever."

"Get over her."

"I did. But it didn't change anything."

I paused for thought.

"Ew!"

"What? It's natural!"

"Not for you with your sea... stuff."

Davy grabbed me by the neck and squeezed until I couldn't breathe.

"What's wrong with my... stuff?"

A moment passed.

"Nothin'." I said with great difficulty.

He let go and stepped out on the deck to find a drunken Jack Sparrow. I followed and helped Jack to his feet. He fell again.

"You called me dad before," he said.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry," I said.

"GOING UP!" shouted Davy Jones.

The sea began to part, the water rushed past our faces and I was thrown aback. I held onto the side rail and looked up. The sun was drawing nearer, I could see another ship up there. The sea was thinning, the end was nigh.

SPLASH!

"How the hell are you drunk?" demanded Davy.

"Seawater," said Jack.

"Always finds a way," I said.

"Actually, you..." said Jack but then stopped in his tracks. I think the kick in the side gave him a clue to stop.

"Where are we?" I asked Davy.

"At the wreck of The Constable," said Davy, "Still some survivors I see."

Some of the crew had already gone aboard and were sorting the living from the dead. They had weapons but they didn't need them. All of the survivors were too weak to fight.

"Aboard we go," said Davy, "Let's see who'll be joining us next. EVERYBODY ON BOARD THE CONSTABLE!"

"Aye," chorused the crew.

Davy mysteriously appeared on The Constable without moving and I was behind him. Odd. Oh well. He walked back and forth in an intimidating manner.

"Do you fear death?" he addressed all the survivors, "Do you fear the cold, black abyss?"

There were 6 men in total, four replied "Yes."

"Do you two," he addressed the two who didn't reply, "not fear death? Do you not fear God's judgement? Have you all your debts paid and your lives untainted?"

"Is your life untainted?" asked one of the braver men, "Have you paid your debts? Have you lived your life pure?"

"It's not me in question," replied Davy twitching his neck.

"How was it so that an innocent girl," the man pointed at me, "owes 100 years?"

Everybody looked at me. Davy flared his nostrils. They expected me to answer.

"I wanted food," I said, "I said that I would give anything for some food."

"Did you get it?" asked the man.

"Yes," I replied.

Davy turned back.

"No wait," I added, "I did not."

"Really?" said the smug brave man.

"Kill him!" demanded Davy pointing to him. He turned and faced me.

"Did I not make it so that you are not hungry?" said Davy.

"Yes," I said, "But I asked for food."

Davy twitched his neck again.

"So that means..." I paused for dramatic effect, "You... owe... me."

dramatic gasp


	6. The Locker

The problem with settling a debt that you're not actually in leads to confusion as to what is actually happening, why the hell you're there and what you could be doing instead. I figured that I didn't want to be in debt but I made such a cock-up of the life I led on land there was really no point in leaving.

The next day, after 4 of the survivors of the Constable had eventually joined us, I went to see Davy to talk this through.

I knocked on the door.

No answer.

"HELLOOOOOOO!!!!!!" I shouted, "DAVYYYYYYY???????"

"Hello?" said a deep voice from behind me.

I jumped in shock. I turned round to find that it was Bootstrap Bill Turner. I jumped again because I hadn't seen him before.

"You're new aren't you?" he asked.

"Yeah, only four days," I sighed with sarcasm. Four days is a LONG time!

There was a short silence, but long enough for me to notice the starfish on Bill's face. I inspected it closely and prodded it firmly with my thumb. He twitched uneasily.

"Yeah, well, I've been in the galley for a few weeks so I wouldn't know," he protested, "and they let me out early because they took pity on me."

"That doesn't sound like the behaviour of pirates," I wondered.

"It is when you're stuck down there with….." he shuddered, "It."

"It?" I enquired.

Bill led me down the hatchway towards the galley. He got keys out from his coat pocket and turned the key very slowly and nervously. He took the keys out and opened the door very slightly. Then, he grabbed hold of my collar and pushed me through the door and shut the door behind me.

I stared at the door with confusion.

There was a short silence.

"LAURAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" a voice from the shadows cried.

"Ben?" I cried with distaste.

Suddenly, podgy arms grabbed at my trouser leg and dragged me towards the iron gate of the on board prison.

"HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!" I yelled in vain, "NOT YOUUUU!!!!!"

That night, after Ben had gone to sleep fondling my leg whilst it was stuck through the gap in the gate, the door opened slightly and quietly.

Davy's head peered around and noticed that Ben was asleep. He nodded and slowly entered the room. He appeared to be carrying a wooden leg.

"Don't move," he mouthed, "I'll get you out."

"OK," I mouthed rather too dramatically.

Davy lifted Ben's fondling arms up slightly and placed the wooden one in its stead. I quickly removed my leg from the tight grip and stood up quickly and quietly. We both darted for the door before Ben had chance to notice. Davy spun round and locked the door hastily. Three seconds later, the cry of "LAURAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" was heard and Jonesy and I covered our ears and made our way on the top deck.

"WHY!??!?!!!?!?!?!?" I cried, "I let him drown!"

"I know," replied Davy, "When you gave him to us first, we realised what a bane he was and so I let him go; swim back to you."

"But?"

"But the little bugger couldn't swim and you didn't save him so he was left to drown. He sunk back in our direction and demanded to be saved and he would serve."

"You didn't have to!" I protested.

"He was good at reasoning. But looking back it was kinda stupid," squirmed Davy.

"What did he say?" I demanded.

"Circumstantial evidence."

"WHAT!??!!?!?"

"He said that he had already served 2 minutes when you left him with me and so I owed him something and that was the only thing he wanted, needed, could think of etc." he explained.

A few seconds went by and I understood Davy's point of view.

I contemplated awhile.

"He said all that whilst drowning?" I asked.

"Yes." said Davy.

…

We separated in disgust and shame.


	7. Coming to Terms :Emo Chapter:

The next day I found myself being woken by a pinching at my feet. I rubbed my eyes to see Davy cautiously clawing at my toes.

"What are you doing?" I asked hoarsely, still half asleep.

"Come with me," he said, "I need another lesson."

"Oh Jeez." I sighed as a rolled over and off the hammock hitting the planks with an almighty thud.

I stood up and followed Davy on deck and to his cabin.

On deck I noticed that we were actually above the water and that it was still night time. The crewmen still on deck were fast asleep and even the creature at the helm was slumped over the wheel dozing silently.

I walked gingerly into the cabin and Davy sat down at his desk and chair. The blackboard wasn't out.

"What do you want?" I moaned, "I'm sleepy."

"Lesson 1; find emotions; went well, but I don't know what's really happening with me right now," he began. I nodded not really following, "Lesson 2; get over her; failed. Lesson 3, ahh, this may take a while. See, you said "show those EIT company people what for, and well, I can't."

"Why?"

"I can't let them get hurt because they have my heart and I need to protect it."

"So."

"SO?!?!?"

"What?"

"I'd rather like to CARRY ON LIVING for the time being, you know?"

"But I'd hardly call this living. 100 years seeing sailors start out and then slowly become part of the ship until there's nothing left of them and then they die. So you can't die can you?"

"I can. Many die before the 100 years are up, if they're killed. They can't die on my ship though."

I paused for thought.

"So if you get your merry men to go out and get the heart and you stay here, you can't die?"

"I said, I can." Davy repeated.

"Damn."

Suddenly, streams of light came pouring through the tiny little windows at the side of Davy's cabin. This blinded me so I moved forward a little to get the sun out of my eyes.

Davy was right in front of me now and so looked rather more scary.

"Err, just do what you want, how the hell should I know?" I turned towards the door and opened it.

"Where do you think you're going?" demanded Davy.

I shook my head and walked out the door. I was far too tired to be bothered with anything right now. I swung the door behind me and hit Jones in the face.

I laughed and stumbled across the deck and down the hatchway towards my beloved hammock.

I climbed into the hammock, assumed the foetal position and descended into a light slumber.

zzz

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

I jumped out of my hammock in surprise.

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAURAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The scream was coming above. I shook myself awake and swiftly headed through the hatchway to see what all the screaming was about.

Davy was standing looking rather smug holding Ben by the hair and was holding a sword very close to Ben's neck.

"What now?" I cried.

"You get to choose whether this boy lives or dies," grinned Davy. Ben squirmed and tears fell from his eyes.

"What's the catch?" I asked.

"Whatever you decide, that is your will that I have carried out. That means that you stay on this ship for 100 years." replied Davy smugly.

I looked at him in a strange manner.

"I've been thinking about it," he grinned.

"Good solution," I nodded, "But you've overlooked the fact that it's only if I swear an oath, is when I stay here for 100 years. Whatever you so or say to make me say that oath is up to you. Kill the lad if you wish, but I have no care to make such a commitment."

Davy's tentacles twitched.

"lol" I thought.

I turned to walk down the gangplank.

A dreadful sound filled the ship. I felt a spray of cold blood splatter on my back and neck. I touched my shoulder and examined my hand. My face remained cool and collected but I was probably too tired to do anything.

I turned around to find Davy with his bloody sword at his side. He looked determined to make me stay - as if that _helped_. And Ben, lying there, face down into the cold deck, his blood oozing out around him. All the while, the rest of the crew standing and gawping.

"Why?" I said coldly.

And then turned my back on them, back below deck.

* * *

_Yeah, my emo moment. But I can't help it! It's just that I have to incorparate emo-ness in everything I do!!!! Sorry about the whole seriousness of this stupid story, I just felt it was time to have a ... what's the word?...plot? Anyway, comment please!!!_


	8. Knocking On Davy's Door

The next day was very awkward. All the crewmen kept avoiding me and looking the other way. Davy stayed in his cabin all day.

"I see that somebody cleaned up the blood," I said cheerily, trying to lighten the mood. But that was not one those things that you should say happily anyway.

I failed.

"Oh well," I shrugged and walked towards the cabin.

I beat my head against it instead of knocking.

"Will you open this God-damn door?" I yelled.

I turned behind me to notice that everyone had descended down the hatchway because they wanted no part in our feud.

"No," replied a hoarse whisper.

Jack flew out of the hatchway and landed heavily on deck.

"I was thrown out," he muttered.

"I guessed," I replied, "Why?"

"Well," begun dad...Jack, I mean, Jack, "Everyone was down there so I started singing. They said it was neither the time nor the place, I said why, and they threw me up."

"Not literally, of course," he added.

I turned towards the door again. Mainly just to ignore Jack.

"What yer doing?" he asked, "Something happened?"

"Yes," I replied with my back still turned, "But you were too high off sea water to notice."

"Oh," he muttered.

Still no reply from Davy. I needed to open the door somehow and...hey...

"Jack, care to make yourself useful?" I inquired.

"NO!" he protested, "I'm gonna be here for 100 years, I need to keep my strength!"

I headed towards the long nines (cannons, you fools) and dragged them towards the middle of the deck, facing Jones' cabin.

"Of course, dad," I said soothingly, "You must rest. Here, lie down."

I patted the cannon reassuringly.

Jack smiled sleepily and sat on the trunnion/ and swung his legs around so his feet stuck over the end of the fuse. His head fitted neatly over the end of the muzzle// and his hat fell off. He failed to notice, because he had already fallen asleep and had his mouth wide open as if catching flies.

"Well done, dad," I said sarcastically, "Jack, Jack, I mean, Jack."

I picked the hat up and put it on my own head. I like hats.

I steadied the cannon and aimed for Davy's door. I stood at Jack's feet grabbed hold of the button///. I swayed back and forth to judge momentum and ran like hell.

Towards the door, towards the door, towards the door, the door, the door, the door.

BAM!

And indeed, bam is the only word to describe the way in which a drunken sleeping pirate is used as a battering ram on a cannon to break the door down of a cabin in which the occupant does not wish you to enter, especially in the way in which you just have.

* * *

_/trunnion is the centre of a cannon, that you use to swivel it around and aim and such. _

_//the muzzle is the part of the cannon where the cannonballs come out of_

_///the button (though you may be thinking wrong thoughts about this) is at the opposite end of the muzzle and is the spherical piece of metal at the end used for steadying, near where the fuse is._

_See, I've done my homework._


	9. Err Hi? :humour again:

Davy was sitting at the immense organ with smoke billowing around him. He was hunched over the keys but didn't play, or write, or do anything. He stared.

I walked in his general direction, pushing Jack and the cannon out with my first stride – he was still asleep, but they may have been a reason for that. A coma?

"So, not letting me in, eh?" I enquired.

Davy looked over his shoulder slowly, and turned back.

"Look, tell me what it is you want me to do, and I'll do it," I said.

"Within reason," I added.

Davy sighed. "Women, you're all the same."

"Yes," I sighed impatiently, "But onto the subject at hand..."

"You all want what's best for me. You all think you can cure me of this perilous and bleak life at sea," he interrupted, "I thought I could just leave you all alone and you would eventually turn your back, but apparently that's what you like."

"Me?"

"But then what happens?" he ignored me, "You just happen to turn up on my ship and start messing with my head. You try to teach me and then you end up seducing me and then it breaks the heart I never wanted."

"What _are_ you on about?"

"YOU!!!!" screamed Davy. He turned around suddenly. "You think you can just waltz onto my ship and tell me what to do? Get out! Get out get out get out!"

"But..."

"NOW!!!!!!!!!!!"

"We're in the middle of the ocean..."

"I'll throw you over board myself!"

"Can't you just throw me overboard near Tortuga?" I asked hopefully, grinning.

"You know I can only go on land ever 10 years!"

Davy's green face was slowly turning a putrid shade of red. He was hunched over me, eyes flaming and looking as intimidating as he could.

"When was the last time you actually set foot on land?"

"Just under a year, and I'll thank you for not talking about it," he retorted.

"So, what would happen if you stepped on land before your time is up, so to speak?"

Davy stood up straight, thinking.

He tilted his head slightly.

He looked at me, confusedly.

"I don't know," he said, after several hours.

I awoke suddenly and picked myself up from the heap I was off the floor.

"So, nothing massively bad will happen to you if you just happened to spend a few hours at a port or something?" I yawned wiping the sleep from my eyes.

He looked to the side and tilted his head slightly.

"DON'T START THAT AGAIN! Just say you don't know!"

"I don't know," said Davy as he looked down sheepishly.

lol, sheep.

"Well, I don't see the harm in trying," I said cheerfully, "Either way, if nothing happens, I'll be off your ship and you can go off on your merry way safe in the knowledge that I'm not here and you can go on land whenever you like, or, if you just happen to die, you'll be happy because nothing will be bothering you any more. It's win, win!"

Davy looked at me blankly, then smirked.

"Fine," he said begrudgedly.


	10. To Tortuga

Tortuga; where all my troubles began, and now would hopefully end.

We anchored about 900 yards from the port itself. Me and Davy leant on the rails and looked around the bay.

"You ready?" I sighed.

"I was waiting for you," he said uneasily.

I smirked and we and a few crew (including that scary shark dude) went down to the jolly boat and headed for shore.

Davy sat at the back of the boat squirming and muttering to himself.

"You don't have to come. I can swim if you want," I asked as I patted his shoulder.

"Won't that seem a little strange?" he asked, "A girl _swimming_ out from open waters into a port?"

"Have you ever been to Tortuga before?" I enquired.

"Not changed then," he laughed coldly.

The boat hit the shore and everyone bar Davy stumbled onto the beach.

"Coming?" I asked

"I'd rather not. Bad memories, crap life, you know. The usual emotional scarring that kinda got me into this mess," he said.

"Meh," I shrugged, "Suit yourself," and I ran up the beach towards the port.

Many of the crew followed but that weird shark guy had some "connection" with Davy (gaaaaaay) and so he took Davy back to the ship.

As per usual with us pirate folk, we headed for the nearest pub we could find. I head butted the door and down 3 gallons ASAP.

I sat down at a table at the back of the room. And pretty soon someone had joined me. I lifted my head to see what they looked like.

"Jack! I haven't seen you since chapter 8!" I cried, "How'd you get here?"

"It's a funny thing, rum," he said, "You never know where you'll end up until you're actually conscious again!" and he collapsed in a heap on the floor.

There's stories like those that need no other explanation than a drunken stumble...

stumble?

coma, then. But the principle is still there.

A few hours later, when Jack hadn't moved a muscle, I thought it was only right to take him back to where-ever he was.

I left his body unguarded for a while whilst I went outside to look for his ship.

Huzzah, there it was.

I went back inside to find he was gone. I asked around but all I got were a few slaps in the face, and that was just the men!

I wandered back outside again and appeared to be hit on the head rather feebly. I tuned around to find Gibbs holding a bludgeon and looking rather uncomfortable.

"Why do you people never ask?" I asked.

"You might refuse," he replied.

"Well hitting me over the head won't exactly help," I said.

"But when you wake up, you're already out at sea and can't exactly do anything except go along with it..."

"Even if that _did_ make sense, why the hell did you hit me over the head?"

Gibbs pointed behind me, I turned around and he hit me over the head again.

"FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!!" I yelled, "STOP DOING THAT!!!"


	11. Dramatically Deflating Conclusion

"If you're not coming back with us, you just gonna stay here?" asked Gibbs.

"Probably," I shrugged, "I might get a job, get a house, settle down, something like that."

"Ok," he said, "Um... we'll see y' 'round."

I waved feebly, and Gibbs staggered back to the ship.

I looked out over the harbour and saw that the Flying Dutchman had submerged to the depths. I wondered if they had left any crew members behind so I looked inside the local inns. There were no weird and wonderful sea creatures abouts so they must've all gone back to the ship.

* * *

So, all's well that ends well. Nothing major happened except for the realisation of why Scarlet slapped Jack in the first film.

And I stayed close enough to the actual plot line of Pirates of the Caribbean© - HUZZAH!!

Roll On Pirates III


End file.
